Why Did You Have To?
Why did you have to say hi that night?
I was there minding my own business,
I was joyous in my solitude,
I was all good in my own company
Why did you have to smile so beautifully?
I was gratified on my own,
My heart had all it needed,
I had a full heart
Why did you have to sit next to me?
I was fine sitting on my own,
I was okay gazing at the stars,
And admiring all their majesty
Why did you have to open up to me about your fears and insecurities?
I wasn’t looking forward to having someone entrust me with their secrets,
I wasn’t looking forward to a bonding session,
I was okay on my own
Why did you have to suggest that we should hang out the next day?
I already had plans of my own,
To play FIFA with the boys,
I was content with my boys
Why did you have to show up looking too beautiful?
Were you so hell-bent on making my heart jump,
Were you so keen to curve a space in my heart,
Were you out to show me that I wasn’t okay on my own
Why did you have to hold me so tight as we said goodbye?
Did you want me to hear your heartbeat,
Did you want our hearts to synchronise,
So that mine won’t beat without yours
Why did you have bring your lips so close to mine?
Were you counting on an oxytocin rush,
To make me realise I had unexplored emotions,
S
Why did you have to call me the next day?
And speak with the most mellifluous of voices,
Did you want to condition my mind to listening to you,
So that I’d be going crazy without hearing from you for a day
Why did you have to remember my schedule for the whole week?
So you would send tailored good wishes for every day,
Did you want me to realise how sweet it is to have someone who cares,
So that everything would be meaningless without you
Why did you have to remember my birthday,
And bake me the most delicious of cakes,
Did you want to get me used to feeling special,
So I would feel worthless without you
Why did you have to research on all my interests?
And always give me the most constructive of criticisms,
Did you want to become my compass,
So I would be directionless without you
Why did you have to learn my sense of humour,
And send me the funniest of memes,
Were you hell-bent on increasing my laughter capacity,
So it would be unfillable without you
Why did you always take time to listen to me lament?
And then hug me so tightly, telling me that everything would be okay,
Did you want to become my safe haven,
So I would be restless without you
Why did you have to overlook all my flaws?
And continuously tell me I was perfect to you,
Did you want my ego raised,
So it would be easily bruised without you
Why did you have to always root for me,
And fight everyone who dared fight me,
Did you want me used to our united front,
So I would be powerless without you
If your intention was to catch me in your spell,
Then you have excelled with flying colours,
I am helpless without you,
I realise how much I need you
But then I was taught to stay gangster,
To not give in to emotions,
To play my cards close to my chest,
Because that’s the way to win
But now I wonder if this is about winning or losing,
And if it is, what does winning look like,
Is it about allowing myself to be vulnerable, so I could be free?
Or is it about always staying on guard, so I could be safe?
I am sorry I gave you a hard time,
I am sorry I mistrusted your intentions,
I am sorry if I made you feel under-appreciated,
I was only trying to protect myself
But now I realise what you’ve been for me,
A strength and not a weakness,
And I am not afraid to feel anymore,
I wanna live free, and you are my freedom
